I'm Dizzy...

Well, I don't know if anyone has looked at this page in ages, it's my page and I know I haven't, but I have decided to continue blogging even though my adventures have slowed down for a time. I know that I have felt "dizzy", trying to process why God has me here. Here in Canada, here in spiritual limbo, here at school, feeling restricted in who I am to the conformities of the education system. In fact I'm not sure that God does have me here. I've been wondering lately if I have me here. I'm going to assess what I know, and what I don't:
1) God showed me in my last year in Australia that I was very interested in anthropology, a field I would have barely known existed prior to reading a book He put in my hands.
2) I felt He was saying that anthropology was important for introducing people to truth and to THEIR Father, rather than a foreign God.
3) I therefore thought that these two prior truths meant I must go to school and get a degree in anthropology; I deduced this by assuming that God was using people at home to tell me that school is important and I need security because that was a message He had for me. My conclusion was if I feel like studying anthro, people are telling me to get a life (as though the one I had wasn't valid) and getting a degree would apease them and myself in some degree, and possibly God...if it WAS Him speaking.

Now, the only part I didn't feel confirmation about in the Lord was school. But I felt that it all fit together. There are two possibilities for where I am now, God spoke, or He didn't.
If God spoke, then He's is helping me accomplish the practical side of my future in missions. However, the most important, in fact, ONLY important thing for ministry, or even an individual walk with God is relationship with Him and growth in your heart and mind towards Him. Now If God wanted to bring me to school, I would be provided for in this area. Growing in my heart and mind, being more and more prepared for heavenly purposes. He would provide things that I see as biblically important: community, mentorship, His spirit and growth, relationships, finances, etc.. Now I don't see provision in these areas since being home. I DO see success in school, I DO see interesting knowledge, I see a degree in the future, all of this however is extremely useful for a life here at home, making money, teaching, working in this city to further myself in this life. I believe judgement will come to us, and we will be judged on several things, actions, motives, stewardship, etc. But the stewardship of our gifts is an important one, I've been given the gifts to communicate in ministry and the passions and endurance to do it in places others may not want to.
At this point, I feel that on judgement day God will say to me.. "My son, I was with you wherever you went, I was by your side and my favour and blessing was upon you, you walked with me and are here with me now, in heaven. You did not, however, use what I gave you to make a dent on the darkness in this world, I gifted you to bring the truth in love to the world. You went to school to study something that I was giving you right where you were, an understanding of people from MY eyes, I put resources in your hands monthly to read and study and grow in my understanding of missions. You used a confirmation of who you are to run in fear from an insecure future. Seeds of doubt were planted by those around you, doubt in My ability to provide, and even further, your creative ability to succeed outside of the worlds mould."

When Jesus was asked...and He was asked... "by what authority do you come", "by what authority do you do these things" He knew He came in the Fathers name. I don't want to come endorsed by the world, proven by the University of Toronto. How proud will I be if I AM endorsed and made "great" (rolling my eyes) by an institution of this world. God CAN work through it, but how much more glory goes to him when a nobody from nowhere shows unconditional love, or moves the heart of man, or introduces the lost to the Father and His spirit. Then man can be sure that its the work of God at play in their lives and not a trained and skilled manipulator of this world, created by this world, for this world. I am made in heaven, for heavens purposes, I have faith in my God, and in myself, as a creation of the infinite and perfect one.

Now, briefly, the other option is that I am more scared now than I was before coming home. That fear is keeping me from encountering God at home. I feel alone, unable, isolated. I don't want to commit to a church in case I can't meet their demands, I hate school because I'm not naturally good at essay writing, I don't want to commit to people as a mentor or accountability in case I can't meet their expectations or needs. School, for me, takes a lot of energy and time, so things I actually care about can't be the center of my life. Giving to a church, tending to my walk with God, mentoring friends and family. I feel like if I start to give to them, I have to see it through, I'm someone who needs to know I can give my all before I commit to something, I hate failing, or falling short. And there are far greater stresses in my life. I feel inadequate.

Now these are lies, of course... God can use anyone, anywhere. But if I really am supposed to be here, I need to find a way around these things. I way to not spiritually suffocate here at home, because I don't care if I live my life poor and in the gutters of Mumbai, if my spirit is in tact, I'm in the right place. I need guidance from God not man, and I need to focus on being near Him amidst all the distractions that seem so important in this new season. This is long, and just the beginning of a New Year, and an active attempt to succeed at home.

Now, I don't want to type to much, because there are many days ahead to fill many pages. Essentially, what I write today is my opinion on MY life, MY situation, MY relationship with God, its a journal entry and is tailored to MY situation. If someone DOES end up reading this. God may have you at school, have specific purposes for your life that do require you to do some of the things that I seem to be so against. But I'm not against them entirely, I'm against what isn't God's plan for MY life and my design, I'm against fear, and running for cover under the shade of a tree. Once you sit under that tree and find that shade, going back out into the heat of the firey sun is very difficult. I am secure now, and ironically, its making me very insecure. I hate it. I am simply speaking for me. I am trying to untie if I, personally, am where God wants me.

Papa God, be with me, you are why I live and breathe and have my being in. Help me to succeed in my hearts deepest desire, while I fulfill other peripheral desires, and give me guidance along this path. I love you Jesus, and you need to be my center. I'm sorry.

Peace, Love and Prayers!